Central Oregon Blues Society
A Little Humor I Snagged From Another Group!!
TIPS FOR THE AUDIENCE
HOW TO REQUEST A SONG FROM THE BAND
When requesting a song from the band, just say "play
... my song!" We have chips implanted in our heads
with an unlimited database of the favorite tunes of
every patron who ever walked into a bar and all songs
ever recorded so feel free to be vague, we love the
challenge.
If we say we really don't remember that tune you want,
we're only kidding. Bands do know every song ever
recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if need be... it
helps jog the memory, or just repeat your request over
and over again.
If a band tells you they do not know a song you want
to hear, they either forgot they know the tune or they
are just putting you on. Try singing a few words for
the band. Any words will do. It also helps to scream
your request from across the room several times per
set followed by the phras es, "AW COME ON!" and, "YOU
SUCK!"
Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from
the dance floor are a big help as well, such as the
thumbs down or your middle finger up put-downs are the
best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly
promotes you to the status of "Personal Friend Of The
Band." You can bet your request will be the next song
we play.
Entertainers are notorious fakers and jokesters and
never really prepare for their shows.They simply walk
on stage with no prior thought to what they will do
once they arrive. We don't actually make set lists or
rehearse songs. We mostly just wait for you to yell
something out, then fake it.
An entertainer's job is so easy, even a monkey could
do it, so don't let them off the hook easily. Your
request is all that matters. Once you've figured out
what genre of music the band plays, please make your
requests from a totally different genre. The more
exaggerated the better. If its a blues band playing,
yell for some Metallica or Slayer or Pantera.
Likewise, if its a death-speed metal band, be sure to
request Brown-Eyed Girl or some Grateful Dead.
Musicians need to constantly broaden their musical
horizons, and its your job to see that it
happens....immediately.
TALKING WITH THE BAND
The best time to discuss anything with the band in any
meaningful way is at the middle of a song when all
band members are singing at the same time. Our hearing
is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny voice
from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around
us. And we can converse with you in sign language
while singing the song, so don't worry that we're in
the middle of the chorus.
Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a musician
does not reply to your question or comment during a
tune, it's because they didn't get a good look at your
mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to
scream your request and be sure to over emphasize the
words with your lips . This helps immensely. Don't be
fooled. Singers have the innate ability to answer
questions and sing at the same time. If the singer
doesn't answer your questions immediately, regardless
of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they
are purposely ignoring you. If this happens,
immediately cop an attitude. We love this.
IMPORTANT
When an entertainer leans over to hear you better,
grab his or her head in both hands and yell directly
into their ear, while holding their head securely so
they cannot pull away.This will be taken as an
invitation to a friendly and playful game of tug of
war between their head and your hands. Don't give up!
Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits.
Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they
usually sit in the back, protected by the guitar
players. Keyboard players are protected by their
instrument, and only play the game when tricked into
coming from behind their keyboards. Though difficult
to get them to play, it's not impossible, so keep
trying. They're especially vulnerable during the break
between songs.
HELPING THE BAND
If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band
will appreciate your help with the next few tunes, or
however long you can remain standing on stage. If
you're too drunk to stand unassisted, simply lean on
one of the band members or the most expensive piece of
equipment you see. Just pretend you're in a Karaoke
bar. Simply feel free to walk up on stage and join
in. By the way, the drunker you are, the better you
sound, and the louder you should sing. If by chance
you fall off the stage, be sure to crawl back up and
attempt to sing harmony. Keep in mind that nothing
assists the band more than outrageous dancing, fifth
and sixth part harmonies, or a tambourine played on
one and three and out of tempo. Try the cowbell; they
love the challenge.The band always needs the help and
will take this as a compliment.
Finally, the microphone and PA system are merely
props, they don't really amplify your voice, so when
you grab the mic out of the singers hand be sure to
scream into it at the top of your lungs, otherwise no
one will hear what a great singer you are. Hearing is
over-rated anyhow. The crowd and the sound guy will
love you for it.
BONUS TIP
As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break
and then get on stage and start playing their
instruments. They love this. Even if you are ejected
from the club, you can rest assured in the fact you
have successfully completed your audition. The band
will call you the following day to offer you a
position.
HOW TO REQUEST A SONG FROM THE BAND
When requesting a song from the band, just say "play
... my song!" We have chips implanted in our heads
with an unlimited database of the favorite tunes of
every patron who ever walked into a bar and all songs
ever recorded so feel free to be vague, we love the
challenge.
If we say we really don't remember that tune you want,
we're only kidding. Bands do know every song ever
recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if need be... it
helps jog the memory, or just repeat your request over
and over again.
If a band tells you they do not know a song you want
to hear, they either forgot they know the tune or they
are just putting you on. Try singing a few words for
the band. Any words will do. It also helps to scream
your request from across the room several times per
set followed by the phras es, "AW COME ON!" and, "YOU
SUCK!"
Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from
the dance floor are a big help as well, such as the
thumbs down or your middle finger up put-downs are the
best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly
promotes you to the status of "Personal Friend Of The
Band." You can bet your request will be the next song
we play.
Entertainers are notorious fakers and jokesters and
never really prepare for their shows.They simply walk
on stage with no prior thought to what they will do
once they arrive. We don't actually make set lists or
rehearse songs. We mostly just wait for you to yell
something out, then fake it.
An entertainer's job is so easy, even a monkey could
do it, so don't let them off the hook easily. Your
request is all that matters. Once you've figured out
what genre of music the band plays, please make your
requests from a totally different genre. The more
exaggerated the better. If its a blues band playing,
yell for some Metallica or Slayer or Pantera.
Likewise, if its a death-speed metal band, be sure to
request Brown-Eyed Girl or some Grateful Dead.
Musicians need to constantly broaden their musical
horizons, and its your job to see that it
happens....immediately.
TALKING WITH THE BAND
The best time to discuss anything with the band in any
meaningful way is at the middle of a song when all
band members are singing at the same time. Our hearing
is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny voice
from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around
us. And we can converse with you in sign language
while singing the song, so don't worry that we're in
the middle of the chorus.
Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a musician
does not reply to your question or comment during a
tune, it's because they didn't get a good look at your
mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to
scream your request and be sure to over emphasize the
words with your lips . This helps immensely. Don't be
fooled. Singers have the innate ability to answer
questions and sing at the same time. If the singer
doesn't answer your questions immediately, regardless
of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they
are purposely ignoring you. If this happens,
immediately cop an attitude. We love this.
IMPORTANT
When an entertainer leans over to hear you better,
grab his or her head in both hands and yell directly
into their ear, while holding their head securely so
they cannot pull away.This will be taken as an
invitation to a friendly and playful game of tug of
war between their head and your hands. Don't give up!
Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits.
Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they
usually sit in the back, protected by the guitar
players. Keyboard players are protected by their
instrument, and only play the game when tricked into
coming from behind their keyboards. Though difficult
to get them to play, it's not impossible, so keep
trying. They're especially vulnerable during the break
between songs.
HELPING THE BAND
If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band
will appreciate your help with the next few tunes, or
however long you can remain standing on stage. If
you're too drunk to stand unassisted, simply lean on
one of the band members or the most expensive piece of
equipment you see. Just pretend you're in a Karaoke
bar. Simply feel free to walk up on stage and join
in. By the way, the drunker you are, the better you
sound, and the louder you should sing. If by chance
you fall off the stage, be sure to crawl back up and
attempt to sing harmony. Keep in mind that nothing
assists the band more than outrageous dancing, fifth
and sixth part harmonies, or a tambourine played on
one and three and out of tempo. Try the cowbell; they
love the challenge.The band always needs the help and
will take this as a compliment.
Finally, the microphone and PA system are merely
props, they don't really amplify your voice, so when
you grab the mic out of the singers hand be sure to
scream into it at the top of your lungs, otherwise no
one will hear what a great singer you are. Hearing is
over-rated anyhow. The crowd and the sound guy will
love you for it.
BONUS TIP
As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break
and then get on stage and start playing their
instruments. They love this. Even if you are ejected
from the club, you can rest assured in the fact you
have successfully completed your audition. The band
will call you the following day to offer you a
position.
Add a Comment
-
Comment by Cliff on March 26, 2008 at 5:07pm - Yeah - it would be unusual for me to give them a $20.00 bill, also. I try to get away with just my heart felt thanks. MUSTANG SALLY!!
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Comment by Bruce C.Fremont on March 26, 2008 at 4:45pm - I unusually hand them a $20.00 bill............Free Bird....
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Comment by Cliff on March 26, 2008 at 2:07pm
- Should be self-evident!
-
Comment by Garth Osborn on March 26, 2008 at 1:13pm - I don't understand why more people don't know this...
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